Here goes…

So. There’s this thing happening. The whole global pandemic and all. Maybe you’ve heard about it? Lives have been turned upside down. Everyone is struggling. And it kinda forces you to look at your situation and assess things. And everything is complicated. And because everyone is dealing with it in different ways, you don’t necessarily want to burden others or seem weak or whatever. So here we are, pretending like everything is fucking okay and clearly it’s not. Nothing is normal and nothing is easy. But the kicker is – it’s not just the pandemic that makes us pretend things are okay. I’ve spent my entire professional career pretending to be okay. Pretending to have a handle on things at work, on things at home, on things socially…and it’s such a lie. There are days that some of those things are true. But more likely than not, most things were a mess. But not being okay makes other people uncomfortable with you. And also causes judgement – people think you’re entitled when you seem to “have it all.” What it’s taken me decades to learn is that it’s possible to be grateful for the things you have and still be unfulfilled or frustrated or unhappy. Things are not always the way they appear. And we just move forward and hope to do better tomorrow. So, for me, this little piece of the Internet is to share my stories of being faux-k and putting out into the world the things I wish people had told me along the way, especially during my years in Big Law. Because, when I was in the midst of the chaos and the misery, everyone around me seemed to be kicking ass and I just felt like an imposter and that I was barely hanging on. I thought I knew what the end goal was, but as I got closer to it, I realized it was going to cost me too much and I just wasn’t willing to go down that road. So as cliche as it sounds, here I am trying to figure out my next steps. Hopefully, revisiting my past will help me move forward and be less faux-k and more okay with where I go.